Today I’ve apologised for waking up badly, my child not sleeping, being grumpy (because my child isn’t sleeping well), not dressing in marvellous, quirky and original clothing, for being a bad mother, a bad parent, a bad partner, for food scraps on the floor, for dirty washing, for nagging, for the crusty porridge pot and because I didn’t use Belgian Chocolate in the Rocky Road. And that’s only the voiced apologies. I’m sure I’d apologised in my head because I took up to much air space and a host of other indiscretions.
I am a self confessed chronic apologiser. I’m sure there must be a cult of us out there. I googled that (and apologised for frivolously using my time to Google) and found a religious order of Apologists. I am definitely not one of those. There was also a ream of information about the low down on Sorry. (And I’m not talking about our National Apology to our Indigenous People here).
Sorry, seems to be saying you don’t deserve this space, you have no right to be here. Oh sigh, that crap self esteem again. It is so persistent.
Ronya Banks suggests If you say the words “I’m sorry” often, then you are apologizing for living. Apologizing a lot usually goes hand in hand with feeling guilty. Guilt is a major low self-esteem growth hormone. The guiltier you feel, the worse you feel about yourself, and the worse you feel about yourself, the guiltier you feel. Stop apologizing and give up feeling guilty today!
I am not alone. Sorry is a huge problem, besides being annoying to others, unnecessary and damn unhelpful.
I’m not even sure why I put so much energy into feeling ordinary about myself. I am a loved wife, mother, daughter, sister, sister-in-law, grandchild, niece, cousin, friend Fairy Godmother and community member. I live in a lovely house, do interesting and stimulating things and enjoy a level of prosperity not enjoyed by many people worldwide.
So I choose to use my energy differently today and in the future.
Nobody did actually care that I didn’t use Belgian Chocolate in the Rocky Road… and my mum actually liked it better.
I relinquish Sorry and I’m not sorry for that.